I just got home from church an hour ago. It was a pretty awesome service, the topic being really timely and all. It’s amazing what God reveals to me in every message. Sometimes, it’s head-on; other times, it’s implied. This case, well, I’m not really married yet, but I heard wisdom in the Word for the week. So, allow me to share them to you.

What I received was this: I need to stop being such a piss-off. Sorry - it’s for the lack of any other term that’s not really a curse.

For weeks I’ve been online constantly in Facebook - looking at my friends’ pages, looking at interesting stuff that’s happening, and mostly, posting things. Well, to be honest, I post things to get attention. Sometimes, I share things purely for the heck of sharing thoughts, but other times, I just like to see if anyone would pay attention. And I need to stop that. Why? Because it’s not healthy. There’s no point in making myself get noticed. There are billions of people in the world, so who the hell am I to crave for attention? Sure, there would be people who would oblige, but I’m not doing it for them. I do it so that certain people would notice. I do it because I want to see if these certain people would care. Why? Because I care about these people, and I want to know if they care for me too. Well, fine. I LIKE these people. And I want to know if they feel the same way. Well, too bad for me.

Sometimes I would stop and wonder about what the hell happened to me. All of a sudden, I became louder and crazier. Well, a little too loud for most people, actually. I laughed out loud, I say what I feel, I am brutally honest, and I can’t seem to get a hold of my feelings, which are all over the place most of the time. I am in love now, and then stop later, then fall in love again. I am attracted to this guy, but then I meet this other guy, and I’m attracted to him, too. Like I said, I was all over the place. And now I’m wondering: what the hell happened to me?

I’ve been placing the blame on everything that changed in me to my previous relationship. I was too oppressed before, so now I became too expressive. I was deprived of attention and care before, so now I crave it and seek it from every other person. I always felt the need to blame my ex for everything. Well, that stops now, too. From now on, I shall stop blaming him. I am in control of my actions, and my thoughts, so there’s no need to blame him for something I am doing right now. He probably doesn’t even know what or how I’m doing. It’s not fair. So, to set the record straight, I’ll stop bad-mouthing my ex. I’ll stop blaming him for every wrong decision I made, and for every evil thought that came to my mind. Those three years weren’t as awful as I always said. I was happy because I was blindly in love. Then I opened my eyes and walked out. Period.

So what happened? I was all over the place because I couldn’t - wouldn’t - handle all these emotions. It’s like, I lost so much of me in the last three years, that now I’m groping in the dark, helpless and insanely trying to pick up the pieces. I didn’t want to control my emotions because I wanted to be in love again. I wanted to make things right - to pick the RIGHT person, to make the RIGHT decisions, and to be just happily in love. But I should’ve known that these things don’t come so easily. Nothing is ever easy. I was so envious of the people around me, happily in love, that I grabbed at every possible opportunity at love, and always ended up losing and being more lost than ever. Well, now, I’m saying that it will stop. I’ll handle my emotions better now. I’ll stop flirting consciously and unconsciously and start looking at other people as just friends. I will stop giving my heart out like it has no value. I will stop messing around with love, and with my life, too. I will take care of my heart from now on.

I will not hold on to things that were not meant to be held on to for too long.

I will not wait for them to notice me anymore. Nor will I bug them every now and then just to start a conversation. If they want to talk to me, they’ll start it.

I will not wait for them to give back what I’ve freely given them.

I will just wait for my prince. I still believe in God’s promise - that there is one man who was made just for me. I might have met him, or I might meet him soon. But right now, I need to prepare myself for him. I need to be someone he’ll be proud of. Submission is the key. And being an “alpha-female” really doesn’t sound very appealing. It’s kinda scary, I guess, so I’ll tone down a few notches. ^^,

I will stop posting endlessly on Facebook. I will stop trying to get noticed. I will just quietly wait. I will quietly submit to my Father’s will. I trust His plans for me. I may not know all of them, and maybe not be able to understand it all, but I am hopeful. He is faithful, and His love is eternal. That’s all I need to know. I will have my peace. So here’s Hannah, signing off. Patiently waiting. ^^,

PS I am so sorry for being such a piss-off. I might have been such an annoying prick recently. I am really so sorry. I’ll stop now. Thanks for putting up with me. The people I tagged - thanks. Love you guys. Seriously. You keep me sane, and keep up with my insanities. ♥